Where you are?
people pass by think me so wear.
Where you are?
people pass by think me so wear.
Meow! Cats are lurking everywhere, rapidly taking over the minds of all Americans, and no one is safe. These clever creatures started their journey towards domination with their simple anatomy: rough tongues that foreshadow the pain they can inflict, sharp claws that scream destruction, and night vision to watch everyone at all times, from dawn to dusk. They’ve tiptoed their way into all American lives, starting with the species of the Crazy Cat Lady, who loves cats even more than herself. She will spend her entire life with her cats, and will cease to exist in the social world, confining herself in her litterbox-smelling home with her hundreds of cats, never marrying, and becoming a ardent fan of tuna. Slowly, cats have crept from their first group of victims to their next target: the rich, famous, and reckless celebrities. Evidently, cats are geniuses, focusing on luring in the minds of celebrities, who have much influence on many in the American population, particularly tweens, teens, and young adults. Aside from an entire musical, “Cats”, dedicated to the cunning felines, the mention of cats flows throughout the media, from the famous hip-hop group, The Pussycat Dolls, to indefinitely every rap song created. For example, talented rap artist and ex-convict Lil’ Wayne introduced the idea of cats directly linked to horrifying beasts in his 2008 song “Pussy Monster”. Similarly, rapper Ludacris has subtly commented on the abundance of cats in society, expressing his belief that cats are ‘popping up everywhere’ in his song “Pussy Poppin’”. Undoubtedly, cats have not only taken advantage of the human mind and soul, but also the olfactory senses. Performer G-Unit describes in his song “I Smell Pussy” that he can not only identify his four cats, “Irv”, “Ja”, “Black”, and “Tah”, but he can also detect their scent with his nose. These famous celebrities rap about the hardcore aspects of living in the ‘fast lane’, such as their high intake of marijuana, their excessive partying habits, and their tendency to become involved in dangerous situations such as gun violence, sexually transmitted infections, and unplanned pregnancies. However, the majority of their songs also hint at ‘pussies’, or cats. Obviously, cats have control over even the toughest in the population, and thus, Darwin’s idea of ‘survival of the fittest’ is false. Although there is the saying that ‘Dog is a man’s best friend’, cats clearly have the upper hand, as men in this generation think constantly of not whether they’ve fed their dog, but whether they will obtain ‘pussy’, or a cat, on any given night. Undeniably, the famous disc jockey, DJ Khaled — known for his ramblings on being the best, putting his hands up, and always winning — is obsessed with the idea that cats are gaining world domination. He even considers himself a cat who will someday conquer the world in his song “We Takin’ Over”, quoting “we takin’ over, one city at a time”, suggesting that cats are infesting human minds in every city, one at a time, and will eventually exercise complete power over the entire planet and all species living within it. Everyone, be warned: Cats have the ultimate plan to dominate the world. Next time you see a cat roaming around the streets, flickering its tail, scavenging for rodents, and seeming innocent, I advise you to tremble with fear; it’s better to give in now rather than suffer the consequences of resistance later, as without a doubt, cats will someday have absolute control over every last continent, mile, and inch of Earth. REEEROWW!
Cure is tea!
Double — you ex.
The term “Polly Wanna Cracker”, commonly stated by talking parrots, is an allusion to the novel The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison. The fiction book is a dark, dramatic story, set during the years following the Great Depression, that touches on racism, child molestation, sexism, physical and emotional abuse, and incest. Pecola Breedlove, the protagonist, is born as the daughter of Cholly and Pauline Breedlove. Pecola believes that she is ugly, and the only way she can attain beauty is by having blue eyes, thus becoming a white person. Similarly, Pauline isolates and brainwashes herself to believe that black is incompetent, unclean, and ugly, whereas white is pure and beautiful. Pauline wishes to be whisked away from her reality, and regularly attends movies shown at the local cinema: movies that glorify the white woman. Pauline manipulates her hair to imitate the styles of the actresses in the movies. Furthermore, Pauline works as the housemaid for a wealthy white family, and adopts the name “Polly” while working with the family’s child. In essence, Pauline is literally a parrot, repeating the same ideas that she learned from observing the white society, just as a parrot repeats the same phrases uttered in the conversations it observes. As a result, “Polly Wanna Cracker” is a literary nudge at The Bluest Eye, as the term “cracker” is a ethnic pejorative for white people. Essentially, the ‘parrot’, “Polly”, or Pauline Breedlove, yearns for the “cracker”, or the ideals established by the white population during the novel’s time period.
Sometimes when life gives you lemons, you squirt them into your eyes and begin to cry. But it’s time to think: what happens if you didn’t squirt the lemons into your eyes? Instead, what if you made lemonade? But here’s the catch: what if the lemonade was sour and you choked on the lemonade while gulping it down? Then you cry again, with the tangy acidic taste sliding down your throat and stinging your sinuses. Thus, lemons are a danger to society, damaging the emotional well-being of humans and babies alike.
There is the common acronym WWJD — What Would Jesus Do? Sometimes I’m not really sure what exactly Jesus would do, but I do know that he sure as hell wouldn’t associate himself with lemons. That is why Jesus chose fishermen to be his disciples, rather than lemon-pickers. Similarly, Jesus changed water into wine, not water into lemonade. Finally, Jesus fed the 5,000 not with lemons, but with five loaves of bread and two fish. Clearly, the happiness and hope Jesus shared during his time on Earth had no relation whatsoever to lemons.
In conclusion, lemons are evil. I truly do believe that lemons were the fruit grown on the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil in the Garden of Eden. Lemons are directly connected to sin!
So next time you are about to take a sip of your lemonade or bite into your lemon meringue pie, remember to remind yourself: “What Would Jesus Do?”
(Also, shout out to the lemon tree woods! )
“The colors of the rainbow spell ROYGBIV, but to me, they spell gay. Perhaps that’s why I always believed that the mascot for Lucky Charms cereal was a little homosexual elf.”
Think about it for a moment.
“Cocoa Puffs promotes drug use.”
Coke or Puffs? Coc o’ Puffs…Cocoa Puffs! That is why the mascot for Cocoa Puffs is the way he is. He’s a bird because he can fly, and thus, get high. He’s always eating copious amounts of cereal, symptoms of drug use, particularly marijuana. And he becomes ecstatic after consumption of Cocoa Puffs — a metaphor for the emotions one feels after an intake of cocaine or ecstasy.
“The movie ‘Fun with Dick and Jane’ is clearly an allusion to immoral recreational activity.”
Spending quality time with the male reproductive organ and marijuana.
In conclusion, the development of children has been hindered by commercial products and American ideologies The rainbow symbolizes much more than a series of seven colors. Cereal is a drug, which is why humans often comfort themselves with high-caloric foods, rather than expressing their feelings in healthful manners. Finally, PG-13 movies should be rated R, as thirteen-year-olds are, unfortunately, slowly becoming introduced to explicit behavior and inappropriate conduct at such a tender age.
“Black and Yellow”: who would’ve guessed that the color combination, the colors of a bumblebee, would create such a stir in the population of young Americans? A bestselling hit by American rapper Cameron Jibril Thomaz, famously known by his stage name Wiz Khalifa, “Black and Yellow”, is a tribute to Khalifa’s hometown, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, the same hometown of rap sensation Mac Miller. “Black and Yellow” caused an uproar in society, as people assumed that the song was a racist jab at African Americans and Asian Americans. A Dean of Students of a college prepatory school refused to play Wiz Khalifa’s hit single throughout the school’s hallways, believing that the song promoted racism and stereotypes. There are reasons why one may presume that “Black and Yellow” is a racist song, but in reality, it is a piece of musical art that enlightens young minds about the pride of one’s hometown and ethnic background.
The song starts with three simple words: “Yeah, Uh Huh”. Although the simplicity seems to be a clever poke towards the inability of some first generation Asians to enunciate the phrase “Yes, Aha!”, it is actually a symbol of Wiz Khalifa’s humble beginnings. As a boy, Khalifa moved from North Dakota to Germany, England, and Japan, before finally calling Pittsburgh his home. The stress of moving from country to country took its toll on young Khalifa. He was unable to grasp knowledge of language before having to travel to another foreign land that utilized a completely different vernacular. Thus, Khalifa had to learn the fundamentals of three languages: English, German, and Japanese. “Yes, Aha!”, a ‘eureka’ phrase uttered by intellectuals who reach an epiphany, can be translated to “Ja, Aha!” in German and “Hai, Aha!” in Japanese. Evidently, Khalifa had no other choice but to mesh the three languages together to produce his own language, a trifecta of American, European, and Asian decent. “Yeah, Uh Huh”, the famous contagious phrase of “Black and Yellow”, is a combination of the three languages, and as a result, the combination of three different cultures.
Although some believe that “Black and Yellow” is a bigot jeer while others speculate that it is merely an ode to Pittsburgh’s football team, The Steelers, it is actually an insightful strategy to combine cultures and unify nations. Wiz Khalifa is not just an American rapper who creates rhymes about drugs, alcohol, and sex, although he lives by the mantra “Taylor Gang or Die”, a possible promotion of gang violence or the ideology of multiple rapists targeting the same victim –popularly referred to as “gang bang”. Instead, he is a political genius, using catchy beats and lyrics to entice the American majority and share the message of world peace. He wants world peace but he isn’t just Mr. America; he’s a radical, goal-oriented, and inspiring global leader.